STEVE MILANO CORRESPONDENCE AUTO-GENERATOR
CHECK ALL THAT APPLY!

To (name),

I have noticed that you:

( ) disagree with me.
( ) have made fun of me on the internet.
( ) told someone else about something I did. which I would rather people not know because it makes me look like a hostile prick.
( ) looked at me funny.

Therefore I am writing to inform you that I:

( ) Am going to sue you and anyone who looks like you.
( ) Am going to get your IP address.
( ) Am going to get the "source code" from your website.
( ) Suck at tennis.
( ) Will subpeona any computer you might have ever looked at or heard of.
( ) Am coming to "visit" you.  I know where you live and I used to beat up nerds in high school, you know.

Furthermore, it may interest you to know that I didn't start it and none of this is my fault, in any way.  I am completely blameless, and anything I say or do is not allowed to have negative consequences for me.

Clearly, your problems stem from the fact that:

( ) Your parents didn't love you enough.
( ) You have a gay crush on me.
( ) I am so superior to you that I hold immense, enormous psychological power over you.
( ) You are a tremendous geek / nerd / loser like this skit on SNL I saw twenty years ago.
( ) You have no capacity for critical thought.
( ) You are a Republican.  Don't ask me how I know this, I just do.
( ) You're just mad because I hurt you so badly with my cutting insults.

I have been speaking to my attorneys about this matter, in preparation for a lawsuit which, they tell me, is a guaranteed win.  They have advised me that, in order to help my case, I should:

( ) Continue making threats and showing that I know where you live and work.
( ) Harrass your friends.
( ) Harrass your parents.
( ) Threaten your sister.
( ) Say a lot of stupid, incriminating shit in an easily-documented medium.

So you'd better watch out, you little snot.


-- Steve Milano